Out To Lunch with Martin Williams

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‘At the Edge’
Every Friday listen to Linds Wolfeden share counselling techniques with you!

Progamme 1 broadcast 23 November 2007

PROJECTION

(The ‘Shadow’ Side, based on the work of Analytical Psychologist, Carl Jung)

• List down the left side all of the characteristics or attributes you like about yourself, ie kind, patient, intelligent, caring, thoughtful, hard-working

• List down the right side all of the undesirable characteristics - things you don’t like about yourself, ie intolerant, angry, greedy, jealous, lazy, gossipy

• We ‘project’ - or see in others - the personality traits we dislike or fear in ourselves. This is human nature. The more insecure we are, the more we will project onto others. The greater our self-esteem, the less need we will have to project. This is because we accept ALL of who we are – the good and the bad. We accept we are only human and we have faults.

• The lesson is to integrate both the negative and positive aspects of our personality, the shadow side and the acceptable side of our selves. The goal is to learn to love ourselves by owning ALL that makes us who we are – unique and wonderful human beings! Only when we love ourselves can we truly love others.

• And remember – when people say nasty and negative things about you, they are telling you what they fear and loathe about themselves. Knowing that allows you to distance yourself from it, not to take it personal and not to be so upset by it.

Programme 2 broadcast 30 th November 2007

IRRATIONAL THOUGHT PROCESSES

‘Out to Lunch’

with Martin Williams and Linda Wolfenden

Session 2: Friday 30 November 2007

ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING

This is when we think in black or white, with no shades of grey. It’s either right or wrong. “if I fail at this, I am a total failure”

Example: After several days of healthy eating, a friend calls round and you have a few drinks and a pizza. You say, “That’s it. That’s the end. Everything’s ruined now. I might as well go back to how I was. I can’t do anything right.”

Challenge: It doesn’t allow for any flexibility. This way of thinking will set you up for disappointment. Adopt a more flexible attitude. For example, using that example, you might say: “OK, so I’ve blown it for today. Tomorrow’s another day. I’ll get straight back to it then.

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS or MIND READING

This is about p utting a negative interpretation on something without having proof. Guessing what someone thinks and finding an explanation for their actions: “Now I’ve failed I’ll be seen as totally incompetent, and they’ll hate me”

Example: You see someone you’ve not seen for a while. You say hello. They look through you and walk quickly by. You think, “it’s probably because they don’t want to be seen with me. I look such a mess.”

Challenge: Be assertive! Ask! Be spontaneous. You are not so important that everything is about you! It is likely that person has other things on his/her mind. Something like:

“Hello! You look miles away. I wasn’t sure if you saw me”

OVER-GENERALISATION

This is when we make sweeping statements using words such as ‘Always’ or ‘Never’:

Example: “I’ve always been this way. I’ll never change”

“The world is a bad place. I’ll never meet anyone good or nothing good will happen to me”

Challenge: Stay focused. Henry Ford, the founder of Ford motors, said, “ If you think you can do a thing… or think you can't do a thing… you're right”. Focus on the positive and believe everything is possible.

MENTAL FILTER or DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVES

This means to dwell on a single negative comment without counting anything positive. Playing the victim doesn’t serve anyone. Start taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions.

Example: “Everyone said I looked great except him. He was probably being honest and the others were just saying that because they feel sorry for me or they are just nice people and want to make me feel good. He was right. I’ll probably have a really bad night now”

Challenge: “It’s great that others recognise the effort I’ve put into how I look tonight. It’s clearly paid off. Good for me!”

MAGNIFICATION or CATASTROPHISING

Making a mountain out of a molehill, by exaggerating the importance of your problem.

Example: “I’m so anxious about this party. I’ve been really looking forward to it but everyone will look at me when I walk in. If I don’t look right, I’m not going”

Challenge: You are the focus, not everyone else. What’s important is how you feel, not anyone else. A more positive way of thinking is: “I want to look good tonight because I know It’ll make me feel really good about myself”

MINIMIZATION

Everything we do comes from a basic need to survive. Minimizing your strengths and positive attributes to stay small is the unconscious goal in this way of thinking

Example: “What I did well is unimportant and anyone could do. What I did badly was because I am bad and useless”

Challenge: Making yourself small serves no-one. However, it does allow you to avoid challenges that might lead to failure.You know the phrase ‘putting your head above the parapet’ In other words, if you stick out your neck you’re likely to get it shot off.

This is about being strong and standing up - taking responsibility and owning your attributes. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your qualities. Its about valuing yourself. If you don’t , neither will anyone else!

EMOTIONAL REASONING
A feeling is neither right nor wrong, but it isn’t fact. This is when what we feel is perceived as fact.

Example: I feel no-one loves me or cares about me. I don’t feel I’m liked by anyone. That means no-one likes me or cares what happens to me

Challenge: “I feel unloved. I could make a list of the people in my life who like to spend time with me and enjoy my company.

‘SHOULD’ STATEMENTS
Statements we make that include the words should, must or ought are illogical rules that were set up in childhood to motivate or give us standards to aspire to, but they can be rigid and lead to guilt and disappointment when we direct them towards ourselves, and negative when we direct them at others.

Example “I must finish this before I eat”

“People should know I’m not eating fatty foods. They shouldn’t offer them to me”

Challenge: Maybe “I’d like to finish this before tea but if it takes too long I’ll come back to it later”

“People won’t know until I tell them I don’t eat fatty foods. It’s my responsibility to let them know”

PERSONALISATION OR BLAME
This is when we hold ourselves or someone else responsible for some external event that is out of our control.

Example “I’ve had a terrible day. Everything I touched went wrong. The bus was late, the photocopier broke, Sue spilt coffee over my papers. Bad things happen to bad people. I must deserve it”

Challenge: “it was just one of those days” or “tomorrow’s another day”

PERFECTIONISM
Unless we do something we perceive as perfect, it isn’t good enough. We judge ourselves as incompetent. We’re hard on ourselves and everyone else because we judge others by our standards.

Example: “I have to do everything round here. No-one does it like me. There’s a place for everything, and everything in its place”

“That’s the trouble with him. He doesn’t try hard enough. He never finishes anything properly. He’s hopeless”

Challenge: “If we work together it will take less time, and we can learn from each other”.

“Perhaps he needs a hand. No-one’s good at everything”